Ulternative Alster Fan Club

 

Glasgae Part deux - The UAFC and the mystery of the missing Celtic fans

It was a chap from Stena that broke the news.

“Ye know youse lot are going till Scotland on Saturday mornin’? Well we’re a wee bit worried.”

“Why?” I asked “ Have yez run out of drink or something?”

“ Nah, it’s worse than that – there’s 1200 Celtic fans on the boat. Bound to be trouble.”

“Och it’s okay, we’ll leave them alone.” I promised.

As it happens there wasn’t a Celtic fan in sight. And we left the handful of Rangers fans alone. So Stena was worried about Ulster rugby fans and Celtic mixing, but not Rangers and Celtic. Have we got a reputation that I don’t know about?

Anyway, the boat journey was peaceful – remarkable only for Freddie Benson buying a round of drink. Not that Freddie’s mean or anything – it’s just that he bought a round of coffee. He explained it was something to do with having over 3 hours at Glasgow Hawks still to come. I was worried. If FB was concerned about the amount of drinking time we had available then maybe I should be getting really worried.

The buses were there and perfect for the job – with the right number of wheels, seats and even working brakes. No clutch , but working brakes. Still they got us there and back and I soon learnt to ignore the little red lights which flashed gaily on and off on the dashboard. Maybe they weren’t that important. A short stop in Girvan – a “wee-wee stop” as I heard one passenger describe it – and then on to the Hawks. A series of text messages came up on the mobile. Big Hairy Monster was getting concerned.

“Were are yez now?” seemed to be the general gist of the texts. Then a phone call

“When yez come in, tell the driver to head for the big space just to the left of the stand as that’s were they want yez to park” And so the driver drew up in the car park muttering something about us thinking he must be stupid. Still, it was better to be sure BHM!

The afternoon passed quickly and merrily. A Scottish folk singer did his stuff and we all joined in. The Hairy Monster managed to stop him doing “The Fields of Athenry”, but he included a version of “Waltzing Matilda” especially for Chairman Kimble. I asked him to do “Stand up for the Ulstermen”, but he said he didn’t know that one. I tried to teach him all the words, but in the end the Hairy Monster gave a great rendition .

One anxious moment came half way through the visit when I heard the dreaded words “ Hey there’s DB”. My body froze. BP reached for his tissues, the General for his sick-bag and Browner for his baseball bat. False alarm. It was Dewi Barnes they were talking about. Poor Dewi – it must be awful to have been born with those initials.

The match was the traditional Ulster performance – let’s just play for half the game lads type of thing. But the PA announcer raised the laugh of the day when he told everybody to remain seated during the game. King Canute had more chance of turning back thon tide. We cheerfully picked on Rory Lamont during the game but he took it well. We helpfully sang a few songs for the Glasgow fans who seemed too shy to do it for themselves – very sporting bunch we are.

After the game a visit to the bar caused me great confusion. As I stood in a big queue at the bar, I noticed there appeared to be a bar at the other end of the room. I mentioned it, only to laughed at by the others who explained it was just a mirror reflection. Eventually I got a drink and headed down the room to the nearest empty table, and found it close to the empty bar which looked much too real to be a reflection. Thanks lads, I’ll do my own thing in future.

Highlight of the post-match celebration came when Boomshanka said he wanted to ask our new friend Rory a question. Rory’s face turned white – after all a question from Boomshanka normally ends a career. (When was the last time Shieldsy played for us?) A hush came over the room as Boomshanka approached the Glasgow winger. What was he going to ask ? Was he going to enquire why his career had gone downhill, or why he wasn’t as good as his brother, or why Scottish players were so useless.

“Hey Rory, how do ye pronounce yer surname?”

I went up for another drink – to the bar that was “just a reflection”. The beer tasted real enough.

Now a week after the event, I think most of us have returned home. At least I’m fairly sure we came back with roughly the same number with which we started . But if you’re across in Scotland and see a couple of sisters dressed head to toe in Ulster gear wandering about aimlessly………..

Glasgae Part 1

censored* This denotes real conversations which have a shred of truth to them and will remain shredded.

* The UAFC are not responsible for the witterings of any supporters in the production of this piece, and the views expressed are the views of the eidjit doing the writing.