Textan Annie

I wasn’t on the magic bus to Edinburgh for the game and was resigned to listening to Ulster’s game in the company of Radio Gusher. BBC ULSTER Radio for those unaware, hosts Ulster’s games in the Magners League with the ageing Jim ‘Gusher’ Neilly as chief blether and ably supported on this occasion by the articulate Constable, Aussie and ex Ulster stalwart.

Tuning into Radio Gusher I have found sometimes nerve shredding enough to make you wish you had access to some Cracklin’ Rosie. It’s like having a partner who drones on about the price of meat these days. Maybe a bit unfair on Jim but he does have a tendency to pick out the worst aspects of Ulster’s play and accentuate. He was remarkably restrained for the Edinburgh game, though saying it would be Ulster’s last chance to score with 5 minutes on the clock was a tad pessimistic. The Constable ploughed a steady and pragmatic course all evening as he embellished Gusher’s comments with some realistic insight into how Ulster were not performing.

For some Ulster supporters there was refuge in Cracklin’ Rosie, aka the cheap vino and in fact I was indulging myself in some 2002 Saint Elisabeth rouge. A modest 3 for £10 plonk, you couldn’t beat it with a big stick. I was trying not to beat it into me as the game progressed and Gusher’s commentary became more pessimistic as Ulster plumbed the depths of mediocrity on what was their first big test of the season.

I required a steady hand though. For aside from lifting the wine glass I was also engaged in texting Annie and the big two. Pre match texts revealed the Grousebeaters had arrived in Embra. One of our exiled supporters was also beating the vino into him as he waited for news via text. The game was barely 20 minutes when I received a call from a messageboard stalwart who had somehow managed to exile himself to a drinking establishment down on Main Street, Belfast. Bereft of news I kept him updated throughout the game as I did for several other of the regulars who where clearly frantic as it became increasingly clear we were on a downward slope to defeat.

‘Crop’ was one of the politer descriptions. Our Glasgow exile who normally receives texts from Ravers was actually at the match and he texted at halftime to inform me we needed to “keep it tite.” This reflected the comments of the pundits on the radio, but it was not to be and the evening listening to Radio Gusher ended in a blizzard of desultory texts reflecting Ulster’s poor performance.

I descended the stairs to indulge in more Cracklin’ Rosie, aka 2002 Saint Elisabeth rouge, a modest wine as I say, but it had been a modest evening listening to Radio Gusher. Not as bad as I had feared but it never remotely reached the heady heights of Cracklin’ Rosie and the Rosetta Bar in Belfast.

‘Find us a dream that don't asks no questions, yeah.’

There’ll be next Friday evening at Ravenhill when the dream will be resumed and the buzz of a Ravenhill night returns with Ulster once again restoring the pride and the glory that made them Celtic League champions last season.