Adventures in the Ridiculous

Hot under the collar, posting on the UAFC site last week, scolded what he described as, the ridiculous negativity of some posters. Well its many a day I‘ve travelled a hundred miles or more, but ridiculous negativity sure I’ve never heard before. I’ve heard negativity described as depressing, destructive, degenerative, - but ridiculous, how can negativity be ridiculous?

This got me wondering. I suddenly found myself at the top of Main Street in Ulster Town, the ethereal home of Ulster rugby. I was standing at the top of the hill with a barrow load of negativity. It was going to be downhill from here, I had to get to the UAFC bank with my load of negative equity, I needed to deposit it somewhere quick. As I trundled down the hill, the weight of my barrow was making me stagger. A woman with a clipboard, selling Ulster rugby credit cards approached. I brushed her aside, I didn’t need more negative equity.

At the counter in the UAFC bank, I informed Rooster, the cashier, that I wanted rid of a barrow load of negativity. He appeared quickly from behind the counter and beckoned me into the manager’s office.
“Negative equity’s bad for our image,” he explained, “Fermain will see you in a moment.”
“Ah, Mr. Ballpark,” Fermain greeted me from behind his desk.
“What can we do for you?” he asked eyeing my overloaded barrow.
“I wish to get rid of all this negativity,” I explained.
“Hmmm, this stuff is worthless in todays market, the best you can do is deposit here and hope it gains some currency in the future, there’s so much of it about,” explained Fermain.
“But I’ve invested heavily in Ulster rugby,” I cried.
“Have you bought a season ticket?” enquired Fermain.
“Nope.”
“Are you going to any away matches?” Fermain asked.
“Nope.”
“Have you bought a new Kukri Ulster shirt?”
“Nope,” i replied desperately.
“Well I can tell you, your investment’s nowhere near the magnitude of other investors,” Fermain responded.
“But I have my ticket for the Stade match,” I shouted.
“Well what else would you do on a Saturday afternoon, shop at Tescos with the missus?” enquired Fermain.
“Look we’ll deposit your negative equity.”
At that, Rooster and two assistants came in and emptied the barrow, struggling with the weight of the negativity.

Behind Fermain a large plasma screen TV had forecasts showing downward looking graphs and gloomy looking people shaking their heads. I glimpsed the Ulster supremo Matt Williams giving an interview. He was seated in front of a huge marble fireplace. The fire had gone out and in its place a huge black hole framed Matt as he spoke.
“Things will get worse before they get better,” he intoned, “we have invested in a 3 year plan of improvement but of course there are no quick fixes,” he said, “there is a downturn in the market which we will just have to ride out, refe........”
“You got some positive deposits here,” Fermain spoke suddenly interrupting the TV interview.
“Remember ‘Ravenhill Nights’ and Cracklin’ Rosie, the night when we won the Magners League!!!!”
I left before i could hear any more, I was once more out on Main Street.

In the distance the UAFC’s moderation support Unit, (MSU) could be seen bringing their metaphorical batons down on a young man with weirdly coloured hair in an attempt to silence him.
“Matt Williams is a w.....” yelled the young man in unequivocal fashion as Sergeant Fonz and Constable Karlstein dragged him away.
Smoke was coming from a distant house and I could see a small group of people milling around outside it as the Darkside Lightside fire brigade sped towards it. Closer inspection revealed the house belonged to Royster. He had been smoked out. Still wheeling my now empty barrow I reached a major junction on Main Street with the sign to the left pointing towards Ravenhill Rugby Grounds.

Dark clouds gathered overhead as my made my way towards Ravenhill past the FRU bank, with its brightly shining lights and manager Dewi Barnes canvassing for customers outside. I remembered I had some positive deposits in there and would hopefully be making some more. For now I was headed to Ravenhill. The man in the fluorescent jacket stopped me at the big green gate and asked me my business. I noticed behind him there was a staff seminar going on, the poster on the door read,
‘How to be Positive in times of Negativity’
“I’m at that,” i said pointing towards the door and the seminar sign.
“Leave your barrow outside the door,” the man in the yellow jacket requested.

I sat down quietly at the back of the room as the Chief Executive rose to speak.
“Slow handclapping, booing, verbal abuse about under performance is not wanted here,” stormed the CEO, “the people carrying this negative equity are not wanted at Ravenhill,” he continued.
I had heard enough, though I speculated briefly on who would be left when you removed the boo boys and slow hand clappers.
I quietly left the way I had come, picking up my empty barrow and trudging away. The dark clouds were right overhead and I could feel the rain.
As I walked away from Ravenhill an official looking man, espying my empty barrow asked me if I could sell some match programmes for the next Ulster match. Suddenly my barrow was weighed down again, Trouble was, no one wanted to buy a programme and I had a whole barrow of negative equity once again.

The doorman advised I abandon the barrow before heading into the bar. I had been joined by two old cronies.
“Wanna buy a season ticket?” they asked speculatively.
“Nope! wanna buy a match programme” I asked plaintively.
“Nope!” they replied in unison.

I stirred from my sleep, the sunlight of a new day streaming through my window, the missus was laughing as she asked me.
“What was the score in last night’s Ulster match? “
“43 nil,” I replied before turning over and back to sleep. I was exiled on Main Street again with my barrow. Anything was better than waking and wondering if it really was all a bad dream. Negativity isn’t ridiculous, just a state of mind brought on by certain unfavourable conditions. Things really only can get better...

(and they did! - ed)