Joke of the Day

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mid ulster maestro
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by mid ulster maestro »

McPepper I suspect the Clive is Clive Woodward and that joke has been around since his days as England coach.
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ColinS
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ColinS »

A rich man and a poor man are buying presents for their wives.

One asks the other "What are you buying her ?"

He replies "I'm getting her a handbag and a sports car, so that if she doesn't like the handbag... she can take it back in her new car. What are you buying her?"

The poor man says "I'm getting her a pair of slippers and a dildo, so that if she doesn't like the slippers...she can go f*ck herself."
Some people say I used to be called Colzo. Don't listen to them people, I talk much less sense than Colzo.
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ColinS
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ColinS »

How do you ruin a party?

Make Gordon Brown the leader.

--

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.
When the priest finished the sermon and everyone had said their good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "why are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied, "I'm a gynaecologist..."

--

Why do bulimics love KFC?

Because it comes with a bucket.
Some people say I used to be called Colzo. Don't listen to them people, I talk much less sense than Colzo.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by McPepper »

What is the Difference between Man U and a Teaspoon?

Teaspoon stays in the cup longer
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ColinS
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ColinS »

I went to the doctor and said, "I have a rash on my penis."

"Does it burn?" asks the doctor.

"I don't know, I never tried to light it."
Some people say I used to be called Colzo. Don't listen to them people, I talk much less sense than Colzo.
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Bruce
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Bruce »

http://www.heatworld.com/article/6295/s ... stant+ever" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
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Neil F
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Neil F »

:puker:

Of course, the question must be asked as to why someone called 'Bruce' would be reading Heat... :wink:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by Setanta »

A young couple wanted to join the church, the pastor told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying

And the husband was obviously very depressed. 'You are back so soon...

Is there a problem?' the pastor inquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain

From sex for the required month.' The young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult... However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts. One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there.

It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this Means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase either.'
From the rolling glens of Antrim through the hills of Donegal we will stand and shout for Ulster as we win both scrum and maul from the lovely lakes of Fermanagh tae the shores of ould Lough Gall we will scream and shout for Ulster as we beat them one and all!
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ColinS
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ColinS »

Why do only 15 % of women go to heaven ?

Because if they all went, it would be hell.
Some people say I used to be called Colzo. Don't listen to them people, I talk much less sense than Colzo.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by bootlace »

A man in a hotel lift accidently bumps into a womans breast with his elbow & the man immediately apologises and says "Ma'am if your heart is as soft as your breast you will forgive me"

The woman replies "Sir if your dick is as hard as your elbow i'm in room 43"
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ColinS
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ColinS »

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
Some people say I used to be called Colzo. Don't listen to them people, I talk much less sense than Colzo.
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by FRB »

:D :D :D

An old classic.....

A Kerry senior citizen, 76, drove his brand new BMW convertible out of the dealership.
Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down the Killarney road, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Garda car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the Garda's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the Garda walked up to the BMW, looked at his watch and said,
'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a Garda. I thought you were bringing her back.'
'Have a good day, Sir' replied the Garda
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goodaine
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by goodaine »

You're on a roll tonight youngman :lol: :lol:
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by fermain »

My wife... for all her young age, is getting a little deaf, but she's too embarrassed to go to the doctor. So yesterday, I went in to have a private word with him. I said, " Doctor, my wife seems to be losing her hearing, what can i do?"
The doctor replied, "well, have you tried the 6,9,12 feet test?"
"No", I replied, "whats that?".
Says he, "Well, if she can't hear you from 12 feet away it's not too bad, if she can't hear you from 9 feet away it's serious but she will cope, if she can only hear you from 3 feet away, you must tell her to come and see me immediately. Go home tonight and test it out!"
Right I thought, so when i got home she was in the kitchen facing the cooker making tea. So I went in and from about 12 feet behind, I asked, "Darling whats for tea tonight?"... she never spoke. So I moved closer (about 6 feet away) and repeated, "Darling whats for tea tonight?"... nothing, nada... so I walked to within 3 feet and enquired, "Darling whats for tea tonight?"...
She said "FOR THE THIRD TIME WE'RE HAVING CHICKEN AND CHIPS!!!"
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ColinS
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Re: Joke of the Day

Post by ColinS »

I won't be out-joked...

How come, when a couple get divorced, the bloke has to pay his ex-wife a share of his future earnings but the woman doesn't have to do the bloke's future housework?

--

Incest really has been coming into its own recently.

--

Concerned that people weren't washing their hands after using the toilet, our boss put up a sign over the sink in the gents bearing just one word: "Think".

The next day, someone had put another sign over the soap dispenser which read: "Thoap".

--

The other day I read in the paper, "A woman has been murdered in Manchester, by a 38 year old man who has not been named."

I thought, "38 years old and he still hasn't been named? What's everyone been calling him all these years?"

--

My wife wanted to try a new sex position last night, which she called "The Wheelbarrow".

"Basically I place my hands on the floor while you grab my legs from behind and stick it in. You get the idea don't you?" she asked.

I sure did. I carried the bitch to the garden and told her to pull out some weeds.

--

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

--

Britain's Olympic heroes have arrived back in the UK after their best medal haul for a century. The whole of the team were a credit to the country with fantastic performances.

Except from Paula Radcliffe, who was brad pitt.

--

Kerry Katona was saying in the paper that she can't understand how a talented, attractive and popular celebrity could go bankrupt.

Well, I re-read the article a couple of times, and I still have no idea who she was talking about.

--


Jamie Oliver has hit the headlines again, this time making a "stinging attack" on Britain's "Booze and Pies" culture. Personally I think its about time that someone made a stinging attack on Jamie Oliver, preferably with a baseball bat.

--

The package said RIBBED - FOR HER PLEASURE!

So I turned it inside out.
Some people say I used to be called Colzo. Don't listen to them people, I talk much less sense than Colzo.
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