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Postby cables » Mon Sep 17, 2007 9:35 am

No one believes older people. Everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their fiftieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts. After they retired, they moved back to the area where they grew up .

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of a Securicor van, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand pounds.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back Sal."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their roofspace.

The next day, two PSNI officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Good morning, did either of you find a bag that fell out of a security van yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the roofspace."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The police turn to Andy and began to question him.

One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"

Andy said, "Well, when Sal and I were walking home from school yesterday …… "

One policeman turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
Illegitimi Non Carborundum
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Postby mid ulster maestro » Mon Sep 17, 2007 8:14 pm

I'm on a gin and tonic diet. So far I've lost two days!
Mum 8)
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Take Enos and let the world fall out of your bottom!
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Postby Lanzaman » Thu Sep 27, 2007 11:36 am

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what
their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman,
policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but

Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him
about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out
with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy
aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays rugby for Ireland but I was just too embarrassed
to say."
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Postby Solid Air » Tue Oct 09, 2007 10:48 am

A London lawyer travelling through Dublin runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Gard. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer and is certain that he has a better education than any 'paddy' cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Gard's expense.
Gard says," License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Gard replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Gard says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Gard says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the difference between "slow down" and "stop", I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Gard says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Gard takes out his baton and starts beating the cr*p out of the lawyer with it and says, "Now, do you want me to stop, or just slow down?
"Cheer up" he said "It could get worse", so I cheered up, and it got worse...
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Postby pwrmoore » Tue Oct 09, 2007 11:00 am

at last, a new joke thanks, :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

C'mon Ulsterrrrrrrrr! :red:
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Postby cables » Wed Oct 31, 2007 8:08 pm

A young monk arrives at a monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
“We missed the R !”
“We missed the R !”
“We missed the R !”
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

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Postby HwoodMike2umate » Thu Nov 01, 2007 11:13 am

i liked this joke i saw yesterday on the Slugger O'Toole website in the thread on the Anna Lo/Flute band controversy and i hope no-one is offended!

Q- Whats the difference between Loyalists and a yoghurt?

A- Leave a yoghurt on its own for 300 years and it will develop a culture!

am off now to find a Republican joke to balance things out.

Klaatu barada nikto

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Postby Ithryn » Thu Nov 01, 2007 5:55 pm

this is an old joke but was funny at the time and i forgot to post it in this thread, had it texted to me the monday after the semi finals.

"sales in comdoms in france has dropped dramatically after it was proven that you only need one jonny to feck fifteen french twats"

Why? Why not?
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Postby browner » Fri Nov 02, 2007 1:32 pm

Paisley died and went to heaven. When he got there he knocked long and hard on the pearly gates. St.Peter came out and asked his name.

YOU DON'T KNOW MY NAME ? I'M THE REV. IAN PAISLEY He roared at St. Peter. St. Peter looked at his list and could not find his name. Sorry said St.Peter you're not on the list.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M NOT ON THE LIST??? DO YOU NOT KNOW WHO I AM? As a matter of fact I do, said St. Peter, but your name is not on the list, THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH I'M A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON MY NAME SHOULD BE ON THE LIST. St. Peter tried to explain that it's not easy to get into heaven, that you have to be a Catholic. When Paisley hears this he starts to complain. So St. Peter says that had he had been good to Catholics he would have some chance.


St. Peter took a few notes on what he said. He told Paisley to wait that he would have to go and talk to GOD and get some advice. About ten minutes later St. Peter come out and said to Paisley, HERE'S YOUR TWO POUNDS BACK, NOW feck OFF.
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Postby FNMilk » Sat Nov 03, 2007 3:22 pm

3 storks, Al, Ben and Chas are flying over head.
Al says, "Where are you 2 going?"

"I'm going to the Smiths" replied Ben, "they've tried for 5 years and I'm bringing them a little boy"

Chas said, "I'm off to Mrs Jones. She's never had any children and I've got a little girl for her"

"What about you?" they both asked Al

"Well I'm not going far, just over to the local convent." replied Al. "I don't have anything for them, it just scares the s*** out of them when they see me landing.
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Postby the original kimble » Fri Nov 09, 2007 12:10 pm

Apologies if this one was posted somewhere else - I have not been here for a while.

AND it came to pass in the year 2007, that verily, the Lord came unto Noah, (who was now living in Ballymoney), and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see all manner of evils, terrorists in government and the end of all flesh before me. Build me another Ark and save two of every living thing, along with a few good Free Presbyterians."

And lo, He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.

"I needed Building Control approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.

"My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site, even though in my view it is a temporary structure. We had to then go to appeal to the Planning Appeals Commission for a decision.

"Once Seymour Sweeney saw what I was up to, he submitted alternative plans with the backing of the local MP, and you have no idea how hard it was convincing a Paisley that you were actually on my side.

"Then the Department of the Environment demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! And in July I had to pay off racketeers as insurance against the local kids taking the wood for the Eleventh Night bonfire.

"When I started gathering the animals, the USPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. They said if he spotted me with any pit bulls, I would never see the Ark float.

"Nor was I aware that marching the animals on to the Ark two by two constituted a parade, so I had to apply to the Parades Commission for permission. They just couldn't get their heads round the fact that the end of the world is nigh, and that telling people it was could maybe even have a positive effect on community relations.

"Then the Borough Council, the DoE and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenter's I'm supposed to hire for my building team. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited workers with Ark-building experience.

"Then Harland & Wolff stepped in, and said the project hadn't been subject to normal tendering practices, as they hadn't been allowed to present a business plan, so the whole thing went to judicial review. It didn't help that the judge's grandfather had worked on the Titanic and thought I was taking the pi$h.

"To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. After several neighbours accused me of being 'on drugs', the Assets Recovery Agency took some persuading that I had managed to put this project together without any visible means of income after I said I was relying on divine intervention.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy Northern Ireland?"

"No," said the Lord. "The Assembly beat me to it."


It's more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.
Anyway, the only difference between me and a madman is I’m not mad….I think…
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Postby Cap'n Grumpy » Fri Nov 23, 2007 10:50 am

Scotland placed on a major flood alert.

All areas of Scotland were placed on high alert on Wednesday night as a major flood is expected any time soon.

This is thought to have been caused by most of Scotland pissing themselves laughing at the England result.
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Postby bogboy » Mon Nov 26, 2007 5:49 pm

They'd been drownin their sorrows for four days

maybe thats why the data's gone missing
2B or not 2B that is the question ?
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Postby Riddick » Mon Nov 26, 2007 8:36 pm

Why did Nivea Cream ?

Because Max Factor.
And as the player tried to take the field, the marching band refused to yield and do you recall what was revealed........
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Postby bootlace » Sat Dec 01, 2007 9:29 pm

tis only a joke 8)

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" :oops: :oops: :oops:
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