ASK THE EXPERT

[rocky]

Bagster, you can't waste your incredibly valuable time on questions about folk-lore and fairy tales. Next thing some eejit will be asking about Leprechauns. Ignore it (I dare you)!

[BaggyTrousers]

While you're pondering my suggestion Baggy, here's a little poser that occurred to me in the Lyric Theatre on Saturday evening.

What is the etiquette when seated in a row of seats with "shared arms"?

Do you

a. use the left one
b. use the right one
c. use both and to hell with your neighbours
d. fold your arms

Just came across this Merv, LastNight has answered correctly in so far as is mannerly however I would go a step further.

Imagine yourself in a position where you find yourself, hot foot from the bar ( I know you were ) and the seats beside you were both taken by strangers. First job is to make a quick assessment of the enemy. Depending on the age & sex plus a quick decision as to whether or not either is likely to "ask you outside for a barney" you plan and take action.

Beside you is a child: simply barge the juveniles arm from your armrest with an assumption of total right to do so. Expect a brief stamp of tiny feet but never show any sign of weakness, indeed if you have a windy bowel, tilt your Brennan in their general direction and seep out a stoater, that will occupy the most persistent brat to the extent that they will shrink suddenly and find they only require the others side of their seat.

A young lady: You could really go for it her and simply do the classic 70s expansive yawn and slip your arm around her - obviously having first checked to see if she is accompanied by a prospective heavyweight champion - & bingo, result. Either you will have pulled or more likely given your unruly moustache, her arm will recoil from the armrest, you are in like Flynn with your arm and mutter a pretend apology about your careless arm waving. Settle in and watch the show.

A MILF: this one has to be transacted with more skill. She could be a prospective partner for some horizontal jogging but equally she may be a woman scorned & sworn off men of a certain age, this dangerous type could be the most dangerous variety of harridan. The more subtle approach is required here. Simply nudge you elbow gently onto the edge of the armrest and seek an accommodation. Unless she is a complete and utter front bottom she will be happy to share. That of course is not the end of the matter - never forget that this is your armrest. As time goes on subtly increase the gentle pressure until she admits defeat and withdraws her arm. Of course there remains a chance she will

An Ould Doll: Yes Merv, its your armrest but we aren't fooking monsters here so this calls for the above act but with an acceptance that this may be a tough old bird raised in the days of weemen's lib resulting in saggy baps and you may have to settle for the accommodation of a shared armrest however as she is likely to have wizened wee arms this should be no great discomfort. Be gentle, under no circumstances should you use a sharp elbow as you may have a sufferer of dowager's hump & the possibility of a snapped wing is there. No armrest is worth an ould doll's incapacity, we're gentlemen here.

A weedy looking youth: Straight forward here, presumption of right to your armrest here, simply sweep the ute's arm away with considerable pressure rather than anything approaching a shove & if you wish to have a bit of sport you could mutter a quiet "thank you", the ute will be disarmed ( almost literally) by your mannerly approach and will cede his position willingly.

A middle aged "athletic" type in a wifebeater: slightly tricky as this cove has been around the block a few times and will be as aware of armrest etiquette as you are. He will be reluctant to concede an inch but there are always ways an means. At this point it is essential to check out his partner for based on whether it is male or female lies the course of action here. If female it is simple, use the old yawn technique again but instead of slipping an arm around him simply yawn and with a broad hint of a lisp thay, "oh deary deary me, I'm wrecked thso I am". This will result in one of two things, you may have found your soul-mate but more likely he will recoil in horror at a hint of anything remorely "gay". Got your armrest again.

An old bloke: Well this is a tricky bugger. It could even be me. This guy has a lifetime's experience of people trying to manipulate him, he could well be retired and he's fecked if he is going to let any barsteward force him to do one more thing he doesn't like in his life. No other adversary is a likely as this man to put up a fight for squatter's rights on this armchair. You have two options again, stick or twist. You can try superior force with age on your side but be aware that all older blokes still feel like they were in their physical prime of mid-late twenties. It hasn't permeated their craniums that the don't quite have it anymore and allied to this they are cunning Barstewards. This enemy will have no compunction about letting out a shout in a crowded theatre of "FFS that was sore, do you think you own the bloody theatre?"

Now I don't know about you Merv but sitting through a boisterous performance of Shaw's "Arms & the Man" based on the futility of war & human nature, whilst being glared at by an entire audience & considered a monster just isn;t worth it. Plan B here, let the hare sit.

There you have the full shebang but before I go, at the end of the first performance of "Arms & the Man" the applause was so sustained that it continued until Shaw went on stage to accept the plaudits. As he did so , one stupid soul who didn't get the genius of the play began to boo. Always a genius in any situation Shaw turned to him and said " I know dear fellow, I agree with you, but who are we two to stand against so many?" Got to love old GBS.

[BaggyTrousers]

Bagster, you can't waste your incredibly valuable time on questions about folk-lore and fairy tales. Next thing some eejit will be asking about Leprechauns. Ignore it (I dare you)!

Now now Rocky, manners are essential to the smooth passage through life. Think pots of gold Rockstar.

[BaggyTrousers]

If a holy angel was tempted to sin by surrounding evil, is heaven a holy place?

Simple, easy peasy lemon squeezy. This situation is mere fantasy - there is no heaven, there are no angels in the sense recognised by mentalist imaginings.

evolve.png (36.61 KiB) Viewed 1156 times

Waste thee not thou time, concentrate on earthy things (or even earthly )or at least matters of substance. Cast off the shadowy world of mysticism & supernatural beliefs. Free you mind from the chains of superstition Kofi - you'll be a better man for it.

YOU'VE BEEN HELPED.

[WhiteKnightoftheWeld]

I'm going on a central African safari later this year.
Could you advise on the malaria medication that I will require please?

[Kofi Annan]

If God loves those only who love Him, what better is He than the sinner? (Luke 6:32-33)

[rocky]

Welder, to which country(ies) are you going?

[BR]

Where is the nearest place to park for free (without risking clamping/parking ticket) that enables you to have a wee look at the New Titanic building and also the Pumphouse/Drydock bit?

Depends on the time you are visiting - but I would suggest Bridgend is as good as you'll get.

[BaggyTrousers]

If God loves those only who love Him, what better is He than the sinner? (Luke 6:32-33)

FFS Kofi are you Fit masquerading as some common pleb on this website? Enough with your mumbo-jumbo already. Sheesh, some of you mentalists just can't take a hint.

Were you the buffoon who trespassed on my driveway on Sunday whilst I was power-hosing?

A tall well made but simple looking fellow holding a sheaf of papers one of which he threatened to put in my letterbox, "steady pal, what junk mail are you planning to post?" I asked him. "Oh don't worry" he said, "its not junk-mail, its an invitation from the church" and beamed at me as if he were bestowing a priceless gift.

"Junk-mail, of the worst sort" I confirmed" if you were selling something there would be a remote chance I could be interested, that's just rubbish for the bin, on your way." He looked at me as if I had smacked him in the bake, gave me totally inappropriate puppy dog eyes, totally inappropriate for a man of his size and walked away a broken man. I could tell he was having fantasies about the flames of hell licking up around my beg & it was his earnest desire to save me from myself.

I turned the hose back on and left him to his fantasies, real life has far greater challenges.

Get the message Kofi? I ain't bothered by angels, hell and the like. As for evil, that doesn't spring from Santa or whatever the dude with the horns is called. It comes purely from within the brains of human feckups for a variety of reasons.

[pythagoras]

If God loves those only who love Him, what better is He than the sinner? (Luke 6:32-33)

FFS Kofi are you Fit masquerading as some common pleb on this website? Enough with your mumbo-jumbo already. Sheesh, some of you mentalists just can't take a hint.

Were you the buffoon who trespassed on my driveway on Sunday whilst I was power-hosing?

A tall well made but simple looking fellow holding a sheaf of papers one of which he threatened to put in my letterbox, "steady pal, what junk mail are you planning to post?" I asked him. "Oh don't worry" he said, "its not junk-mail, its an invitation from the church" and beamed at me as if he were bestowing a priceless gift.

"Junk-mail, of the worst sort" I confirmed" if you were selling something there would be a remote chance I could be interested, that's just rubbish for the bin, on your way." He looked at me as if I had smacked him in the bake, gave me totally inappropriate puppy dog eyes, totally inappropriate for a man of his size and walked away a broken man. I could tell he was having fantasies about the flames of hell licking up around my beg & it was his earnest desire to save me from myself.

I turned the hose back on and left him to his fantasies, real life has far greater challenges.

Get the message Kofi? I ain't bothered by angels, hell and the like. As for evil, that doesn't spring from Santa or whatever the dude with the horns is called. It comes purely from within the brains of human feckups for a variety of reasons.

That wasn't very christian of you

[BaggyTrousers]

I'm going on a central African safari later this year.
Could you advise on the malaria medication that I will require please?

Hey Welder Waddyatink dis is? That is a simple matter of visiting your GP my man, that requires a simple health professional rather than an all-round expert such as myself. Where I can help you is in assisting you survive the trip.

1) Understand that in Central Africa not every snake will be legless, some may even be legged & legless at the same time.
2) In Rwanda keep you're eyes down, no point in going Brennan over tip on a skull lying around, some of those Tootsies & Hutus
were overly good at tyding up after themselves
3) Avoid the eastern coast like the plague. Prime Beef such as yourself is likely to be considered worth a wee kidnap attempt.
4) Kenya, be careful buddy, they may seem sound as a pound what with Kip Keino and the rest of their great runners, Elsa The Lion, Clarence the cross-eyed lion, magnificent game reserves but remember there too kidnap has crept its insidious way into consideration.
5) Head west to Nigeria and not only should you keep your eyes on yer fries but sign frig all & keep your bank details to yourself or you will return home seriously in penury.

Yes I could go on about the dangers of Sudan, the perils of Ethiopia and the Congo but some fool is bound to accuse me of using stereotypes or worse if DL appears back in a self-righteous wrath. All I will say is keep safe, this forum needs you.

Now don't forget to see your GP, last thing you need is a slow lingering death should you meet the wrong skeeter.

[BaggyTrousers]

If God loves those only who love Him, what better is He than the sinner? (Luke 6:32-33)

FFS Kofi are you Fit masquerading as some common pleb on this website? Enough with your mumbo-jumbo already. Sheesh, some of you mentalists just can't take a hint.

Were you the buffoon who trespassed on my driveway on Sunday whilst I was power-hosing?

A tall well made but simple looking fellow holding a sheaf of papers one of which he threatened to put in my letterbox, "steady pal, what junk mail are you planning to post?" I asked him. "Oh don't worry" he said, "its not junk-mail, its an invitation from the church" and beamed at me as if he were bestowing a priceless gift.

"Junk-mail, of the worst sort" I confirmed" if you were selling something there would be a remote chance I could be interested, that's just rubbish for the bin, on your way." He looked at me as if I had smacked him in the bake, gave me totally inappropriate puppy dog eyes, totally inappropriate for a man of his size and walked away a broken man. I could tell he was having fantasies about the flames of hell licking up around my beg & it was his earnest desire to save me from myself.

I turned the hose back on and left him to his fantasies, real life has far greater challenges.

Get the message Kofi? I ain't bothered by angels, hell and the like. As for evil, that doesn't spring from Santa or whatever the dude with the horns is called. It comes purely from within the brains of human feckups for a variety of reasons.

That wasn't very christian of you

That's very true Py-Brennan-quared but then I am a man of my convictions, I don't say one thing and do the other ....... hey ........... wait a minute, I'm beginning to sound like a sanctimonious former poster we all know D welL

Feck it, its like this Py-Brennan, I don't like being interrupted by mentalists when I'm working and I don't give advice on matters of fantasy, end of.

[WhiteKnightoftheWeld]

Fair enough, a jack of all trades is wise to avoid attempting to masquerade as a master of something beyond him.

[WhiteKnightoftheWeld]

I pulled a sick day yesterday Baggy, just sat about watching, um, TV and eating Wotsits.
Today, I feel fine, but when I went to the dunnies just then, I noticed that my shaft was a bright orange colour.

What could be the matter with me?

[big mervyn]

I get a pastie from the hot food bar in my local Centra Quickstop. I then have to queue behind a student who is writing a cheque for a packet of crisps , a senior citizen who is trying to use their pension card in the chIp and pin and a lady who has decided to do a "big shop" on Thursday lunchtime.

By the time I reach the till, my meat-filled pastry is probably below the ambient temperature of the shop. Can I reclaim the VAT?