ASK THE EXPERT

[tighthead]

If God loves those only who love Him, what better is He than the sinner? (Luke 6:32-33)

Which translation is this from? The normal Bibles quote "...if you love those who love you...." It's a common ruse to misquote the Bible.

[Mummer]

Is life like a box of chocolates?

[tighthead]

I pulled a sick day yesterday Baggy, just sat about watching, um, TV and eating Wotsits.
Today, I feel fine, but when I went to the dunnies just then, I noticed that my shaft was a bright orange colour.

What could be the matter with me?

Try using a different hand to eat the wotsists than the one you use to hold your shaft. It should clear up soon.

[Greenmoon]

Why don't ballet companies just employ taller dancers instead of small ones and asking them to stand on their toes?

[BaggyTrousers]

I pulled a sick day yesterday Baggy, just sat about watching, um, TV and eating Wotsits.
Today, I feel fine, but when I went to the dunnies just then, I noticed that my shaft was a bright orange colour.

What could be the matter with me?

Oh that's a gift. First thing is don't panic it is a real problem but thankfully not fatal, easily treated and clearly what you want to hear and I'm happy to confirm is that Fagan & the Two Magees will remain in servicable condition.

It's what happens when you sneak off for a quick hamshank with your fingers still still covered in the orange muck off wotsits. A quick wash of the todger should see you fit as a fiddle.

Expert enough for you ?

[BaggyTrousers]

If God loves those only who love Him, what better is He than the sinner? (Luke 6:32-33)

Which translation is this from? The normal Bibles quote "...if you love those who love you...." It's a common ruse to misquote the Bible.

Welcome to the world of "Ask the Expert" tighthead, I am happy to have associate experts and you appear suitably equipped to deal with mentalists & onanists.

[tighthead]

Welcome to the world of "Ask the Expert" tighthead, I am happy to have associate experts and you appear suitably equipped to deal with mentalists & onanists.

Thanks, glad to be of service. however I think you would class me as a mentalist!

[BaggyTrousers]

Is life like a box of chocolates?

The easy response would to simply say no, ya mad ballix & move right along the bus pal, however the truth of the matter is that in some ways life is indeed like a certain box of chocolates which I refuse to advertise but contains the famed "hazelnut cluster".

Like the hazelnut cluster, few lives run without a fair sprinkling of the stuff that falls from yer jaxsie. Fairer then to say that life resembles an army assault course-like attempt to make inexorable progress whilst avoiding massive piles of hazelnut clusters.

MUMMER, YOU'VE BEEN HELPED.

[BaggyTrousers]

Welcome to the world of "Ask the Expert" tighthead, I am happy to have associate experts and you appear suitably equipped to deal with mentalists & onanists.

Thanks, glad to be of service. however I think you would class me as a mentalist!

Of course you are tighthead, FFS man, that's why you are qualified I didn't say you needed to be sane, you simply need an area of expertise - clearly you have it, I mean would you expect me to have picked up on Kofi's mischievous misquote of the bible. A stupider man than I could have headed off on a God's a rascal rant or a Luke's a treacherous loser rant whilst I simply pointed to the obvious, don't involve me in fantasist squabbles.

The wise fish is never the first to nibble or bite on a tasty morsel as my great old relative uncle Confucius used to opine.

[HwoodMike2umate]

Well i think the best answer to my earlier question would be load the bikes onto the bike rack in my driveway and then drive to and park in (still free, but for how long) the reasonably safe environment of the carpark at Victoria Park, briefly feed the swans/ducks and then cycle along the Sydenham By-pass and then turn in at the Dee Street Bridge (or possibly cycling that wee bit further and taking in the glory of the "new" Titanic Halt railway stop) and follow yer nose from there. Dont forget to bring a secure bicycle lock. Will check at the weekend what the closing times are for the Victoria Park gates.
Do you agree?

[BaggyTrousers]

Why don't ballet companies just employ taller dancers instead of small ones and asking them to stand on their toes?

A splendid question indeed Greenmoon, I'm delighted you asked though we have to delve into the murky world of the sexual proclivities, nay deviancy of the upper & ruling classes.

Ballet in the wider world has never been much valued by the lower strati of modern society, particularly in Italy where a certain openess to the sexually deviant has been well documented since Roman times. So as we come forward to the Renaissance and the Italian aristocrats, soon to be followed by the courts of France & Russia.

These filthy old barstewards found nothing as entrancing as sylphlike nubiles appearing to float across the floor. From this crippling perversion arose pointe work which to this day is the backbone of modern ballet. The dried out old aristos gave not a hoot for the ruined feet of young dancers at an early stage & tossed them aside like a used rubber when their best dancing days were behind them.

In many ways not dissimilar to the torture inflicted on Japanese ladies with the fad of foot binding to stunt growth and produce a tiny footed female.

YOU'VE BEEN HELPED, GREENMOON

[BaggyTrousers]

Well i think the best answer to my earlier question would be load the bikes onto the bike rack in my driveway and then drive to and park in (still free, but for how long) the reasonably safe environment of the carpark at Victoria Park, briefly feed the swans/ducks and then cycle along the Sydenham By-pass and then turn in at the Dee Street Bridge (or possibly cycling that wee bit further and taking in the glory of the "new" Titanic Halt railway stop) and follow yer nose from there. Dont forget to bring a secure bicycle lock. Will check at the weekend what the closing times are for the Victoria Park gates.
Do you agree?

Is it safe to assume that is addressed to BR? Wouldn't want to be rude.

[rocky]

http://www.masta-travel-health.com/

Welder, this is a very good site for travel health issues including malaria prophylaxis. The big thing to remember si that no malaria prophylaxis is foolproof even if you are very careful to start taking the pills before you go and keep taking them for the proper length of time after you come home. The most important thing you can do is to avoid getting bitten - long sleeves and trousers from dusk onwards. Plenty of the anti-mozzie jollop on exposed bits (at least 50% DEET). Mozzie nets for sleeping - AND keep taking the tablets.

[WhiteKnightoftheWeld]

What a service.

Tell me this, do you ever gulder: "ADWWWWIIIIIIAAAAAAANNNN" into the mirror?
Find yourself humming "Burning Heart" as you stroll the aisles of Tesco?

[BR]

Well i think the best answer to my earlier question would be load the bikes onto the bike rack in my driveway and then drive to and park in (still free, but for how long) the reasonably safe environment of the carpark at Victoria Park, briefly feed the swans/ducks and then cycle along the Sydenham By-pass and then turn in at the Dee Street Bridge (or possibly cycling that wee bit further and taking in the glory of the "new" Titanic Halt railway stop) and follow yer nose from there. Dont forget to bring a secure bicycle lock. Will check at the weekend what the closing times are for the Victoria Park gates.
Do you agree?

Sounds like a plan - although parking at Bridgend has the advantage of taking you right 'past' the bars of the Odyssey. I'd say it's less than 1.5 miles out to the pump house, given the current hot weather, the amount of dust and the general unfinished building-site nature of the route, you could be forgiven for thinking you were in a Spanish resort.