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cables
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Old Jokes

Post by cables » Sat Jun 18, 2005 10:11 pm

Clever Scot!

Teacher: "Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer right can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until Tuesday."

Wee Jocky thinks, "Yadancer. Ah'm pure dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a dawdle, come on ya radge, a lang weekend fir me."

Teacher: "Right class, who can tell me who said. "Don't ask what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?"

Wee Jocky shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher looking round picks Richard at the front. "Yes, Richard?"

Richard (in a very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy - inauguration speech 1960."

Teacher: "Very good Richard. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we will see you back in class on Tuesday."

The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jocky is even more determined.

Teacher: " Who said. 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never surrender?"

Wee Jocky's hand shoots up, arm stiff as a board, shouting " I know. I know. Me Miss, me Miss.”

Teacher looks round and picks Timothy, sitting at the front: "Yes Timothy."

Timothy (In a very, very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is Winston Churchill, 1940 Battle of Britain speech."

Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and come back to class on Tuesday."

The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jocky is hyper, he's been studying encyclopaedias all week and he's ready for anything that comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

Teacher: "Who said One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?"

Wee Jocky's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat, jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss, me miss, meeeeee."

Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front "Yes Rupert."

Rupert (In a frightfully, frightfully, ever so plumy English accent): "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong 1969, the first moon landing."

Teacher: "Very good Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and come back into class on Tuesday."

Wee Jocky loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee chair at the wall. He starts screaming "Where the f did all these English b’s come from?"

Teacher looking round the class, angrily: "Who said that?"

Wee Jocky, grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez on Tuesday."

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Post by old_school » Sun Jun 19, 2005 6:11 pm

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.
This time next year Rodney, we'll be millionaires

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Post by old_school » Sun Jun 19, 2005 6:14 pm

Hers some classics for ya :wink:

Q. If I had one green ball in one hand, and another green ball in another hand, what would I have?

A. The undivided attention of the jolly green giant.


If a man says something in the woods, and there is no woman around...Is he still wrong?....

If quitters never win,and winners never quit, what fool came up with."Quit while you're ahead?"....

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?....

Whose idea was it to have an "s" in the word "lisp"?...

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?...
This time next year Rodney, we'll be millionaires

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Post by browner » Sun Jun 19, 2005 7:54 pm

To all of you with daughters...........well it is Fathers day.




Dad's 10 Rules of Dating:

Rule 1
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule 2
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule 3
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule 4
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule 5
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule 6
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule 7
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule 8
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule 9
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres of land behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule 10
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

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Post by bogboy » Tue Jun 28, 2005 4:42 pm

Being the father of daughters I did threaten to put the following on the answer phone

I am the father of three daughters if your Bank Balance is in excess of £250000 leave your name and telephone number and we will get back to you

if not no chance
2B or not 2B that is the question ?

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Post by Mid-Terrace » Fri Jul 01, 2005 8:03 am

What's the first thing that comes out of your weiner after you start playing with it??













.....the wrinkles!!!
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Post by cyril » Sat Jul 02, 2005 4:53 pm

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this
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Post by bogboy » Tue Jul 05, 2005 8:23 pm

What do you call two nuns and a blond?

Two tight ends

and

Wide receiver



ok --- "different game -- but the balls-- are same shape" as the actress said
2B or not 2B that is the question ?

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Post by bogboy » Tue Jul 05, 2005 8:47 pm

Now the Exams are over

a few howlers

When a man is married to one woman its called --- monotony

An epistle is the wife of an apostle

A fjord is a scandinavian car

The Eastern part of asia is called euthanasia

A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot

The climate is hottest next to the creator

Floods on the Mississippi maybe prevented by putting big dames in the river

The four seasons are salt pepper mustard and vinegar

Sir Francis Drake said "Let the Armada wait -- my bowels can't"

The french revolution was caused by overcharging taxis

Beethoven was so deaf he wrote loud music

When you smell an odourless gas it maybe carbon monoxide

Hydrogin is made of gin and water

A monsoon is a french gentleman

H2o is hot water co2 is cold water

and finally one the actress may vouch for

Reproduction is the life process by which an

orgasm

produces others of its kind

(if only)
2B or not 2B that is the question ?

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Not so funny email from my wife…….

Post by fermain » Fri Aug 12, 2005 8:11 pm

MENOPAUSE JEWELLERY
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
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Post by colinh » Sat Aug 13, 2005 7:28 pm

The icecream dance ..................... 2 slides around the floor and out for a poke.

Colin :twisted:
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Post by cyril » Fri Jan 27, 2006 6:16 pm

Apparently they've banned smoking in the jacuzzi, because Michael Barrymore is fed up of fishing dead fags out of the water!
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Post by Disco Biscuit » Tue Jan 31, 2006 11:47 am

Some years back Joey Dunlop was on a plane flying back from the IoM TT
Feeling a bit bushed he settled down for a quick catnap.
Coming in to land , one of the stewardesses gently shook him to wake him up.
She said: Mr Dunlop were ya comfy?
Ballymoney: he replied.

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Post by cyril » Tue Jan 31, 2006 4:56 pm

Dear Husband:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away together! Have a great life!

You're EX-Wife




Dear Ex-Wife:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.
When you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!
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Post by fermain » Thu Feb 02, 2006 8:48 am

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us free box of candles."

Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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