Joke of the Day

[rocky]

Scottish doctor - " We took a kidney out of a dead man, put it in another man, and he was out looking for work in six months."
English doctor - " That's nothing. We took the heart out of a dead man, put it in another man and he was out looking for work in four months."
Irish doctor - "We took an arsehole out of Offaly, put it in the Dail and the whole country was out looking for work in four weeks!!"
Happy New Year.

Rocky.

[Setanta]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'


Paddy Englishman said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Paddy Scotsman commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives'

Paddy Irishman said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

[WhiteKnightoftheWeld]

Elton is changing the baby's nappy, when he stops, fondly smiles, and turns to David.
"You know, he reminds me of you".

David, deeply moved, replies, "In what way, dearest? Is it my nose?"
Elton replies: "No".
David scratches his head and askes "Is my my eyes? Mouth?"

"Oh no David, that's not it at all" says Elton. "He's got pooh all over his knob!"

[Cap'n Grumpy]

Not a joke, but mildly amusing anyway:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-12226192

[browner]

Little boy gets home from school and says
“Dad, I’ve got a part in the school play.
I play a man who’s been married for 25yrs.”

His dad replies: “Never mind son, maybe next
year you’ll get a speaking part.

[backawaygoonahead]

Rumour has it that Gary Glitter has applied for the vacant managers job at Aston Villa. Apparently he became interested when told the strikers were Young, probably Bent & perhaps Keane.

[cardoc]

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!

[Shan]

Not a joke but where else would it go......Check out the opening post and the awesome(as it is American) first response.

http://www.jeepforum.com/forum/f11/96-j ... s-1149721/

[Shan]

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on my mate's grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...

I thought to myself, these feckers have lost the plot!!




I've just started a new job at the local slaughterhouse, stunning cows.

...And some of the sheep are pretty bonny too.




Cristiano Ronaldo had his first parenting lesson with his new son this morning.

"Right," said the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?"

"Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the floor," replied the baby.





I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Liverpool win the premier league."
"You crafty fecker!" said the fairy.




My girlfriend takes me by the hand and leads me down to the games room.

She gets on top of the snooker table and onto her hands and knees.

She's got on a skirt and I can see she's not wearing any knickers.
...
"Your choice," she says. "Pink or brown."

I said, "How the jaysus can I play snooker when you're on the table?!"

Stupid cow.




What happened the blind circumcisor?

He got the sack.




I started a new job last week as a comedian in an old folks home, i tell them jokes...they dont understand me but they still pi$h themselves.

[Shan]

Texas Beer Joint Sues Church

In Mt. Vernon , Texas , Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business
In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign of petitions and prayers to block the bar from expanding.

Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

After the bar burned to the ground by a lightning strike the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer" until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means".

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility and/or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, because it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."

[goodaine]

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

[goodaine]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

[DavyG]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister.. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'Nope....not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[Setanta]

A SHORT LOVE STORY:
A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.



Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!....................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own damn blanket.'

After a moment of silence ...he farted.


The End….

[lovesthehardground]

IRELAND Team & Replacements (v Wales, 2011 RBS 6 Nations Championship, Millennium Stadium, Sunday, March 12, kick-off 5.00pm):

15 - Luke Fitzgerald (Blackrock College/Leinster)
14 - Tommy Bowe (Ospreys)
13 - Brian O’Driscoll (UCD/Leinster) (capt)
12 - Gordon D'Arcy (Lansdowne/Leinster)
11 - Keith Earls (Thomond/Munster)
10 - Ronan O'Gara (Cork Constitution/Munster)
9 - Eoin Reddan (Lansdowne/Leinster)
1 - Cian Healy (Clontarf/Leinster)
2 - Rory Best (Banbridge/Ulster)
3 - Mike Ross (Clontarf/Leinster)
4 - Donncha O'Callaghan (Cork Constitution/Munster)
5 - Paul O'Connell (Young Munster/Munster)
6 - Sean O'Brien (Clontarf/Leinster)
7 - David Wallace (Garryowen/Munster)
8 - Jamie Heaslip (Naas/Leinster)

Replacements:
16 - Sean Cronin (Buccaneers/Connacht)
17 - Tom Court (Malone/Ulster)
18 - Leo Cullen (Blackrock College/Leinster)
19 - Denis Leamy (Cork Constitution/Munster)
20 - Peter Stringer (Shannon/Munster)
21 - Jonathan Sexton (St. Mary's College/Leinster)
22 - Paddy Wallace (Ballymena/Ulster)

Soooooo NOT FUNNY