UAFC Guide to thawing frozen pitches.

jean valjean · Post by **jean valjean** » Sun Nov 27, 2016 9:07 pm

12. Send the most likeable groundsman forward for interview. Get him to say "we worked really well all week and everyone was feeling confident. We are obviously dissapointed but we will learn the lessons and hopefully make amends next time out".

Deraless · Post by **Deraless** » Sun Nov 27, 2016 10:08 pm

13. The pitch was given a clear and specific instruction to defrost. That was the tactics we had discussed and it's how each individual blade was coached all week.

But then they just all went out and completely ignored the gameplan.

It's very frustrating.

Cornerfleg · Post by **Cornerfleg** » Mon Nov 28, 2016 10:22 am

Hello everybody peeps,

My name is Sammy We'r Brill Al-Shahaf, I the new grounds man information manager, I from just outside Lisburn.

You lot just whingers ... there was no frost Friday ... no way ...

... in fact there was no game scheduled to be played....

So ....Why you all turn up eh ... why?

Friday night was Leaf Blowers convention at Infidelspan.

Everything be OK ... Tony Blair said there was ICE he lie.

Trust me, we would do everything possible to get a game played if there was game to be played ... but there wasn't.

Now go away, shut feck up .... Ulster Akbar ... SUFTUM.

Gary · Post by **Gary** » Mon Nov 28, 2016 11:24 am

Breaking news from Grousebeater TV.

An explosion at Kingspan International Stadium this morning is thought to have been caused by a cruise missile. The entire Family Stand has been totally destroyed. The only casualty is well-known and popular Groundsman and Information Manager Sammy We'r Brill Al-Shahaf, who is thought to have suffered a severe communication breakdown As he was being transferred to the ambulance, he yelled out that it was "thon feckers Baggy Blair and Cocky Bush". The PSNI says it has, however, a blank mind about the incident and points out there are about 15000 suspects.

It is understood that all matches at the Stadium have been cancelled until further notice, as there was nowhere for the band to go. There will be no statement from Ulster Rugby owing to the unavailability of the Information Manager.

LATEST NEWS

It is now thought the cause of the explosion may have been in one of the toilet areas known locally as "Trap 2". The PSNI is seeking a Mr. Cornerfleg in connection with the incident. The public have been warned not to approach him as he is thought to have more explosive substances on, or indeed, within him.

thecrouch · Post by **thecrouch** » Mon Nov 28, 2016 11:56 am

There are bakebookers who think that UR are blameless.

I hate these people.

Cornerfleg · Post by **Cornerfleg** » Mon Nov 28, 2016 12:29 pm

Meanwhile back on planet Hothspan ....

Jedi Knight Yoda Cunningham said:

"Look ... All that could be done, we did

The Fault ... ours it is not"

Russ · Post by **Russ** » Mon Nov 28, 2016 12:38 pm

Spotted in Belfast

: uploadfromtaptalk1480333109843.jpg (3.45 KiB) Viewed 1357 times

BR · Post by BR » Mon Nov 28, 2016 6:18 pm

Gary wrote: LATEST NEWS

It is now thought the cause of the explosion may have been in one of the toilet areas known locally as "Trap 2". The PSNI is seeking a Mr. Cornerfleg in connection with the incident. The public have been warned not to approach him as he is thought to have more explosive substances on, or indeed, within him.

Damage assessment reports the interior of trap 2 is completely destroyed. Police say they have nothing to go on.

Tender · Post by **Tender** » Mon Nov 28, 2016 7:14 pm

big mervyn wrote:
namron wrote:8 Threaten it with a dollop of Smegma.
Had an American visitor who thought it was hilarious that we have Smeg fridges :

100 big lads with their lads out on the hallowed turf would make a great photo opportunity. Maybe "January" in the UR calendar?

I know it was almost tropical around kick-off time on Friday last, but methinks they'd need to have been really Big Lads to afford any decent photo opportunities.
Button mushrooms are difficult to photograph.

Dave · Post by **Dave** » Mon Nov 28, 2016 7:36 pm

Trump has tweeted: the Ulster rugby groundsman is my friend. He's a man and he does the grounds. He's one of the best groundsman of all time.

WeeWorld · Post by **WeeWorld** » Tue Nov 29, 2016 1:10 am

Rooster · Post by **Rooster** » Tue Nov 29, 2016 1:37 am

It is catching on this knowing it will freeze but doing feck all about it

http://trafficwatchni.com/emergency-news

Winter Service:
Road temperatures may fall close to or below zero overnight in the north and west of the province depending on breaks in cloud cover. Road users should exercise caution in these areas. No salting is currently planned; our engineers will continue to monitor conditions throughout the night.

Tender · Post by **Tender** » Tue Nov 29, 2016 2:28 pm

Yep, screw the road tax payers, we're saving all out salt!

Penny pinching Barstewards will always revert to type and hide behind pathetic excuses when they're found out.

Russ · Post by **Russ** » Tue Nov 29, 2016 2:54 pm

No such thing ad road tax

big mervyn · Post by **big mervyn** » Tue Nov 29, 2016 5:13 pm

Russ wrote:No such thing ad road tax

That's debatable. It's a vehicle tax which you only pay if you take your vehicle on the road.

The UAFC

UAFC Guide to thawing frozen pitches.

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