The UAFC

Pick yourself up a nice blazer.....

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Didn't know whether to put this here or on the politics thread... so had to put it on both.

Five surgeons are discussing what type of person makes the best patient to operate on.

The first surgeon, from Belfast City Hospital, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Antrim Area Hospital, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is co lour coded."

The third surgeon, from Royal Belfast Hospital , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Musgrave Park Hospital "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Ulster Hospital, Dundonald , shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. 
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the Brennan are interchangeable.’

A bloke from Comber walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep under one arm. His Mrs is sitting up in bed reading her Mill & Boon.
Comberman says ‘You see, this is the pig l have to shag when you pretend to have a headache..’
His Wife replies ‘I’ll think you’ll find that that’s a sheep’
Comberman retorts ‘I think you’ll find I was speaking to the sheep’

Must be our Tommy. He is so friggin precise.

How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?

Their, They're, there.

big mervyn wrote:How do you comfort a grammar fanatic?

Their, They're, there.

That's spelling; not grammar!

What have a heavily pregnant cow and County Meath got in common?

They’re both close to Cavan.

FACT .. it's not possible to "run "thru a campsite.
You can only "ran " thru .....

cause it's past tents.

I was walking by the pet shop earlier in Belfast and the owner comes out and says " Here mucker do you want to buy this new pet we've got in, it's a talking centipede?". So I thought to myself, aye feck it why not bought the thing and took it home.

So sitting at home and I thought right I'm going to test this out, so I walk over to the centipedes cage give the cage a wee shake and say "Here mate, do you fancy going for a pint?" Absolute silence, no answer. So I give it half an hour and decide to try again, walk over give the cage a shake and a little loader say "Here mate, a pint, fancy going out for one?" Feckin no answer again! Raging! So, I gave it another half an hour and said to the missus if it doesn't talk this time I'm taking it back to the shop. This time I walk over, I'm pretty wound up at this stage so I shout "MATE, DO YOU WANT TO GO FOR A PINT?" and out of nowhere the centipede shouts back "AYE MATE I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME FECK SAKE, GIVE US A CHANCE I'M JUST PUTTING MY SHOES ON"

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?".

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie.

The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman".

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"

Smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?"

The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it".

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you"

To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your
public house".

The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know".

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"


The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".

The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman, "what from".

After a short pause. The rabbit said...

"Mixin'-me-toasties

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Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is
waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I
have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll
tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't
quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take
their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large
pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and
over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I
don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying
naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs
staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing
what she does best.

Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah,
I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

A young devil is crossing the road, around the corner comes a pantechnicon which just misses the devil but runs over his barbed tail and snaps it clean off.

The Devil picks up his tail and looking around he sees a pub. He heads in and slaps his tail down on the counter and looks menacingly at the barman. A nervous barman asks, what can I do for you?

The Devil says: it says above your door you have a licence for retailing spirits.

What do bill cosby and Sigmund freud have in common?

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